I tend to get fascinated by things. But it’s always odd things. I don’t get fascinated by the news, politics, weather or religion. In fact, I don’t care about those things at all. As proof of that, I just found out that the DC area is about to get hit with a massive snowstorm. I had no idea. I also didn’t know about the first blizzard a month ago until it started snowing, and that was biblical snow. You’ve probably deduced that I haven’t read the bible if I’m referring to biblical snow. The bible took place in the desert, right? Anyway, I never thought of it as a problem before until yesterday.
I was talking to a friend of mine and as I like to do, I was going on and on about the strange bar that resides across the street from where I live. He’s been there, so he understands. He likes talking about it too. But he suddenly stops me and says that he’s starting to be concerned about my fascination with this place. I said that I’m fine. He’d be fascinated too if it were across the street from his house. He didn’t buy that, but I’m right to be fascinated. I’ll try to describe this joint to you, but it’s almost impossible to do. I’m not sure if I’m talented enough to give you the essence of this place. It was an old Baja Fresh and when the owner took it over, he decided not to put any money at all in changing it. So, the bar is the old Baja Fresh counter. Where the menu board used to be, he just inserted a television. That’s it. He threw in a few couches and a pool table and that is the extent of the decorating. By the bathroom is an old British phone booth, some couches, a suit of armor, and a bevy of other things that don’t go together. It looks like the backroom of a carnival. But this isn’t what makes the place strange. It’s the clientele. I have no idea where these people are coming from, but each one is crazier than the next. The last time I was there, some 50 year old overweight dude was air guitaring by the juke box with a pool cue. As the music got louder, he decided his shirt was just getting in the way and he popped it off. Then, he took the stage and kept performing. I was laughing hysterically because I haven’t seen someone take off their shirt in a bar since I was on Spring Break in college. The problem here is that he wasn’t trying to be funny. He thought what he was doing was awesome and that it looked great. He was wrong on all accounts. As for the other customers, they are either blackout drunk or asleep on the couches. It’s bizarre, man. I took a friend of mine there once and he told me that it was the weirdest hour of his life. He was right. How it stays open is a mystery. There’s hardly anyone ever in there, and that’s what fascinates me. I’m organizing a trip for people from work to experience it first hand. They’re excited. They should be afraid. I probably wouldn’t care if it weren’t right across the street. I won’t go in alone. No one ever should. But I will go in again. Like I said, it’s right across the street.
I’m also fascinated by Australian Female Singer Songwriters. I know that sounds 
specific, but these girls are fantastic. They seem to be putting talent in the water out there. Kasey Chambers and Delta Goodrem both have strong careers, but my favorites are Missy Higgins and Orianthi. Missy Higgins just keeps putting out great albums. Excellent lyrics and music. I saw her open for Liz Phair once, and she was amazing live. How she isn’t a huge star in the U.S. confuses me. I can’t wait for her next album to come out because On A Clear Night was sensational. Orianthi is perched to make a bigger splash than Missy Higgins because she plays the guitar like Eddie Van Halen. She was going to be the guitarist on Michael Jackson’s This Is It tour before he died. Her music is good, but I haven’t seen someone play the guitar like her in a long time.
I’m sure there are others, but they aren’t wrapped up in a blonde hair and blue eyed package. And they probably don’t sing and write catchy rock songs. She’s going to be huge.
Mike McGlone starred in one of my favorite movies ever, She’s The One. It’s a 
hilarious film and he’s the funniest thing in it. That’s saying something because the movie also starred Ed Burns, John Mahoney, Jennifer Aniston, and Cameron Diaz. He blew them all off the screen. He should have been a major star. That didn’t happen. This fascinates me. He occasionally shows up in movies and tv shows, but he never caught fire like he should have. I think he sustains himself doing voice over work. He’s good. But lately, he’s jumped back into the mainstream by way of the Geico commercial. He kills in those spots.
He’s a funny guy and now he pops up all the time because Geico commercials are everywhere. I hope it propels him to some better roles. Preferably comedy. It would be nice to see talent get rewarded.
The iPhone. I love it. I bought the original and just this week upgraded to the new 
one. I can’t believe all the ways I use this thing and I don’t even scratch the surface of what it really can do. I want to find out more. I’m fascinated by technology like this because it is so user friendly and it makes my life easier. I’m all about making things in my life easier. To the people that know me and think that my life is easy enough, I say you don’t know my pain.
A few weeks ago, I was fascinated that a show like NCIS was the number one 
scripted show on television. It had higher numbers than Lost on Tuesday night. I don’t know how that’s possible. I finally watched an episode. Now, I’m not going to draw any major conclusions just yet, but I thought it was terrible. Really terrible. The only thing that saved it on any level was the presence of Mark Harmon. I forgot how much I enjoyed his movies like Summer School and Stealing Home. He’s good on this show. I can see why people like him. I wasn’t impressed with the rest of the cast. They were way too goofy for me. I wouldn’t want any of that team investigating a murder, except for Harmon. I’ll give it another try because 
it could have been an aberration. I’ll see, but my hopes aren’t very high. It seems like it’s a much lighter version of Criminal Minds, which is a very dark and compelling show. I hadn’t seen Criminal Minds until recently, but it’s on all the time. Especially when I get home from work late at night. I didn’t think I’d like it, but it’s pretty good. I wouldn’t say I’m fascinated by it just yet, but I’m getting there.
A bar just opened right next door to where I work. It’s called the Iron Horse. The bar is fine, but I’m fascinated by its proximity and the fact that I can say things like, “Who’s thinking Horse?” Or, “I’m all about the Horse tonight.” Or, “I don’t know much, but I do know I’m going Horse.” Obviously, I always over emphasize the word Horse. I’ve only been twice, but I talk about it every night because I like saying Horse. It’s a strange thing to be fascinated about, I know, but I can’t stop it. No one can.
Is it wrong that main things I’m interested in are two bars, television, a phone and female singer/songwriters from Australia? I mean I’m not a 19 year old pot smoking Snowboarder. I really should have other interests at this point. But I don’t. I should check to see how much snow we’re going to get and when it might start. But, I’ll probably walk across the street to that weird bar and use my iPhone to surf for new music by ladies from the Outback.
I’m not sure I can endure another 20 inches of snow this weekend. Look, the snow is pretty and all, but I live in the great state of Maryland, and in the great state of Maryland we just don’t have the capability of dealing with this kind of weather.
The snowstorm this Friday will be the third this week. That’s right it – snowed nearly as many times as I’ve showered.
I woke up at 5:45 this morning to the sound of my dickhead next-door neighbor – the same asshat that’s constantly blasting music at all hours of the day – shoveling his walk, scraping his metal shovel against the concrete. I maybe have never hated anyone as much in my life, and I sure as shit hate a lot of people. Basically, the weather is beginning to get on my nerves.
Obviously, snow days were a lot more fun when we were little – we actually got to stay home, didn’t have to brave the road with assholes and old ladies, played in the snow and drank hot cocoa. We flitted about, built forts and made merry snow angels.
Now we sit around waiting for a snowplow to come rescue us from our suburban prisons. This weekend, I think maybe I’ll do a little cleaning, play some Wii and possibly watch Godfather Pt II and/or the Hurt Locker. Then I am going to pray that global warming kicks in sometime before March. I can’t take much more of this shit.
My friend Denise turned 36 last month. Her husband Paul will turn 35 in March. He was quick to mention at her birthday lunch that until his birthday he is officially 2 years younger than Denise which makes her his cougar. I have a problem with this for a number of reasons.
The biggest of those being that the two months between their birthdays don’t count. She was born in 1974, he was born in 1975, that makes them a year apart and a year’s difference in age does not make a cougar. A cougar needs to be more than ten years older than her prey. Which makes Denise totally a non-cougar and Demi Moore, Queen of the Cougars.
Just your average night out for a cougar, her prey and her cub
I bring all this up because I was born in 1970 and have a birthday coming up next week that I am not exactly psyched about. I didn’t mind turning 30 but I don’t want to be 40. I just don’t. It’s not me. And I know 40 is the new 30 and Joe Lies wears it well, but not me. I was born to be in my thirties. I excel at it and really it’s where I should stay but time does not agree with me. And it doesn’t help that Bobby is what I consider a year younger than me, but what he loves to point out is really twenty months younger. If he so much as purrs at me like a cougar on my birthday, he’s going down.
Age is a funny thing because it can be a big difference between people one day and the next day the gap closes.
I was telling a story to some friends over the holidays about how when I was a child and my mom would make lunch for my brother and I, we would pretend we were the children – Buffy & Jody – from the TV show Family Affair and we would make my mom be their butler, Mr. French - no matter how much she protested and begged to be their cool teenage sister Cissy.
For those of you born after this show stopped airing, Mr French is the guy with the mustache
My friends, the O’Brien twins, looked at each other with confusion because they were too young to get the Family Affair reference. Family Affair aired from 1966 till 1971, and so as someone born in 1970, I enjoyed the program in syndication. My friend James pointed out that he watched it as a first run series which made me feel a little younger. Thanks, James. I knew there was a reason I like you so much.
For my kids, who are both under five, a couple of months difference in age can make you completely incompatible. But I know when they get older; that they’ll have friends who are a year or two older than them and it won’t be a big deal. And then suddenly, when they get into their twenties and beyond, the gap will start to close even more so that they have friends who are six, eight, ten or more years older or younger than them. It’s only when someone makes a cultural reference that everyone doesn’t get that you realize you’re the old goat. That’s when I’m most grateful for my friendship with Joe Lies because as I’ve alluded before, despite his good looks and cool demeanor, he is older than father time.
My friend Joe Lies here is a perfect example of how hanging out with old people can be cool.
One of my closest adult friendships started when I was the babysitter for my friend Cece. I’ve known Cece since she was born. Our parents were old family friends and our dads worked together. At lawyer functions, I was often asked to keep an eye on the younger kids and ended up “babysitting” Cece and her siblings. Decades later when the six year age gap between us had closed and we were at happy hour together, Cece admitted to me that she had thought the demin dress I wore to my high school graduation party was awesome and had vowed to her sister that one day she would be cool enough to hang out with me. That demin dress, with padded shoulders and a cut out back no less, was truly hideous. And the idea that some little kid had thought I was cool in it made time stand still for a minute. Those moments happen a lot when the people who are supposed to be younger than you keep getting older.
You know you'd be dying to hang out with someone you saw wearing this dress with crimped hair
My friend Pat is a soccer coach and he knows everyone involved in soccer in our area. Because of this, he has friends of all different ages. When you meet Pat out for drinks, sometimes it’s with the dad of a kid you grew up with and sometimes it’s with a kid so young you could have conceived him yourself. When we were in our early twenties, Pat started bringing this underage guy named Dave out with us all the time. It was a real pain because if Dave couldn’t get into a bar everyone had to leave. My friends and I called him “Underage Dave”. He’s thirty-three now and if I saw him on the street tomorrow, I would yell “Hey Underage Dave!” He will never be an “of age Dave” to me.
Joe Lies and I used to work with a girl named Justin. We were in our thirties. Justin was maybe twenty three. And although she was our good pal, sometimes we would have conversations where it seemed we were speaking different languages. I once made a mix tape for some coworkers that included “Overkill” performed by Colin Hay. At happy hour one night, Justin commented to me and Joe that she loved that song and asked who sang it. Colin Hay didn’t ring a bell to her, so I said “you know the lead singer from Men at Work”. Justin smiled and said “OMG! I loved that movie with Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. Is it from the soundtrack?” We tried to explain that, first of all, she should never admit to loving that movie again and second of all, Men at Work was a band in the 80’s, but the gap was too wide. No one could swim it. When I told another friend about Justin’s confusion at a party later that summer, he grabbed her and yelled “Quick! Someone get Justin a vegemite sandwich!” Again, she stared at us blankly. And we loved her for it.
Ghosts appear and fade away
I think surrounding yourself with people of different ages keeps us younger. Our older friends make us feel like maybe we’re not so old after all. And our younger friends remind us why being a little older isn’t such a bad thing. So maybe being a cougar isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a girl after all. Demi seems to be thriving. And my 20 months younger husband is hot in a much more masculine way than Ashton. Could 40 really be the new 30? I’ll let you know.
My favorite thing about cable television is that you can reacquaint yourself with movies you haven’t seen in a long time. Recently, Zoolander has been playing a lot, and I couldn’t be happier. You almost forget how great that movie is. It really stands the test of time. Some of my favorite things from that film are all the cameos. There are a million of them. David Duchovny is spectacular making fun of his whole X Files persona. Vince Vaughn never says a word, but still funny. David Bowie comes out of nowhere to judge the Walk Off. But my favorite cameo comes from someone you would never expect. I’ll expand on who that is in a little bit. So Zoolander got me thinking about cameos in movies. Lets take a look at some of my favorites, in no particular order.
Charlie Sheen – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
He wasn’t a household name just yet, but he has one of the most memorable scenes from a movie that almost defines a generation. As the drug addled boy in the police station who tries to talk sense into Jeanie Bueller, and eventually makes out with her, he absolutely kills. He underplays the character, and in turn, let the world know that he was ready to be a star.
Bill Murray – Zombieland (2009)
First off, I hate Zombie movies. It’s not my thing. But I heard that this was pretty 
good, so I took a chance. I’m really glad I did. It’s extremely funny. It stars Jesse Eisenberg, you know, the kid they get when Michael Cera isn’t available, Little Miss Sunshine herself Abigail Breslin, Woody Harrleson, and maybe my favorite young actress right now, Emma Stone. But the funniest scene in the movie is when Bill Murray appears. He’s fantastic, and he plays himself. I imagine you could’ve put any famous person in that role, but they wouldn’t have had as much fun. You could tell he relished the part. It was similar to watching him when he was on Saturday Night Live. It was weird, super funny, and wickedly smart. It’s always great to see Bill Murray, even when he’s hiding in plain sight in Zombieland.
Billy Zane – Zoolander (2001)
My favorite cameo from a movie that is littered with them. At the time, Billy Zane wasn’t that big of a star. He still isn’t, and I think that’s what makes his cameo memorable. It’s just strange enough to work. He plays himself, a friend to Derek Zoolander that always has his back. When Derek appears at a nightclub and runs into Hansel, Zane excuses himself from the hot woman he’s talking to, to stand behind Derek. He takes himself very seriously and tries to talk Derek out of the walk off. “I’ve heard mad stories about this kid. He’s limber. Too limber.” And when Derek ignores him, he gives my favorite line in Billy Zane history…
I would have included the whole scene, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. If you haven’t seen Zoolander, drop everything you’re doing, and watch it immediately. Trust me, it’ll totally be worth it.
Tom Cruise – Tropic Thunder (2009)
I know there are people that saw this movie and had no idea Tom Cruise was even in it. He’s totally disguised as a fat, bald, mean spirited Hollywood agent. He’s awesome. He’s a riot in every single scene he’s in. Because he’s so crazy in real life, is easy to cast him aside. But the reality is this kid is pretty talented, and I like most of his movies. Who knew he could be this funny? Obviously Ben Stiller did, but it was a revelation to just about everyone else.
Alec Baldwin – Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
He’s only in one scene, but he steals the entire movie. Alec Baldwin is a phenomenal talent. He’s funny as hell on 30 Rock, he narrated The Royal Tenenbaums like no other, and he commands the screen in Glengarry Glen Ross. When people talk about this movie, and it has Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Ed Harris, Alan Arkin and Kevin Spacey, it’s always Alec Baldwin they talk about.
Sean Connery – Robin Hood – Prince of Thieves (1991)
This movie was kind of ridiculous, but somewhat entertaining. I like Kevin Costner, but his British accent that comes and goes was a little distracting. It’s a real shock at the end of the film, when Sean Connery comes riding in as the King. I remember being in the theater and thinking it odd at how excited people were to see him. It was kind of a goofy movie, and his three minutes on film certainly wasn’t going to save it. But it did for the people in my theater. I don’t know what that says about them, but it certainly helped land him on this list. I know Mr. Connery will be happy about that.
Will Ferrell – Wedding Crashers (2005)
I think everyone agrees that Wedding Crashers was a great movie, but it was a little too long. The last half hour was rough, with one exception…the introduction of Will Ferrell as Chazz Reinhold, the ultimate Wedding Crasher. The fact that he has moved on to crashing funerals to pick up women is disturbing and really funny. He really helped save that last half hour of a fantastic movie. It’s safe to say everyone is happy to see Will Ferrell, no matter how big or small the role.
Bruce Springsteen – High Fidelity (2000)
When Rob Gordon is describing how his life is like a Springsteen song, he envisions Bruce giving him advice. The fact that Bruce shows up, playing guitar and dispensing advice to this train wreck, was truly surprising. It was funny and didn’t do anything to hurt his persona. His scene fit in perfectly with the tone of the film. Great cameo.
Ryan Seacrest – Knocked Up (2007)
I didn’t know Ryan Seacrest was funny. He’s not that funny on American Idol. His radio show certainly lacks what most people would consider as humor. He’s always trying to come off as the nice guy. But playing himself really suits him. When he’s yelling and screaming about pampered Hollywood stars and how he holds down four jobs was great. It was just an outstanding scene in a very funny movie.
Matt Damon – Eurotrip (2004)
No one is expecting a star of Damon’s caliber to show up in a film that was trying to capitalize on the success of Road Trip and American Pie. It wasn’t that good of a movie, but Matt Damon’s scene is off the charts. He plays a bald lead singer of a rock band that steals the main characters girlfriend. The song he sings, Scotty Doesn’t Know, is hysterical. Try watching that movie and not singing that song. It’s impossible. Damon is that films saving grace.
Ben Stiller – Anchorman – The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
This movie has some great cameos. Jack Black is memorable, Luke Wilson does a
great job, but it’s Stiller that steals his scene. The Anchorman gang fight was outrageous fun, and Stiller as the Spanish Anchor was killer. “Como Esta Bitches…Tonight’s top story. Tonight the sewers run red with Burgundy’s blood.” Simply fantastic. Ben Stiller is a comedy genius, and he usually lets the others around him shine. In this film, he took a little of the spotlight for himself, and we all benefited.
Chances are I forgot a lot of cameos. In fact, I know that I did. But I didn’t want this thing to go on forever. I love a good cameo and I hope to see more as the years go on. But the one I really want to see is when I steal a scene from Will Ferrell and Steve Carell in the sequel to Anchorman. It will blow up the blogging universe. Believe me, it’ll be epic. Stay tuned…
I bet that Hurley is a good hugger.
The final season of Lost begins next week and I am preparing myself to be disappointed. I’ve loved the show from day one, and I’m positive that the finale will not live up to my impossible expectations.
Very few seminal shows go out the way they should; there’s always some level of disappointment. The finale of Seinfeld always sticks out to me as a case in point – basically wound being farfetched clip show garbage that was in no way satisfying and in no way did justice to the rest of the series. (A lot of people will point to the last episode of The Sopranos, but I actually dug the open ending).
Sometimes, the entire final season sucks – when producers are grasping at straws to try to maintain their contracts. Roseanne limped out with that ridiculous lottery winning story arc. The last season of The Wire’s outlandish, sensationalized plotlines did little justice to a series that was best characterized by its gritty realism. The Cosby Show forced us endure Cousin Pam, Rudy’s awkward years and an increasingly repellant Vanessa.
Hopefully, Lost will be one of the rare shows that goes out at the height of its game, but in my heart of hearts, I just know it’s going to suck. Here’s a short list of plot devices JJ Abrams could use this season that would piss me the hell off:
Hurley gets killed off: Don’t do it! Please! He’s the best character on the show and one of the most lovable characters in all of network TV. And there are so many other characters you could pick to kill off… like Sawyer. Filthy, greazy, smelly (don’t question it – the man hasn’t showered regularly in 6 seasons) Sawyer. He sucks and I never understood why Kate wanted anything to do with him.
Kate gets with Sawyer: See above. Also, I like his relationship with that chick who’s on V now that wound up at the bottom of that well with the nuclear bomb much better. But I’d get it if he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with a blowed up dead lady. Might not be in either of their best interests.
The whole thing was a dream: I don’t have to explain why this would be stupid, do I? If this happens, I will organize a caravan of like-minded individuals who will then drive cross-country and punch JJ Abrams in the sack. If you would be willing to set up the evite, please let me know.
Somehow involving aliens in the plot: As proven by the Indiana Jones series, basing a plot on vaguely accurate depictions of ancient cult-like religions works (see Temple of Doom). Mixing those vaguely accurate depictions with preposterous alien goofiness does not (see The Crystal Skull… actually, don’t).
Jack brings guns to work, gets suspended for the rest of the season by the Dharma Corporation: I don’t have much more to add to that one. Fucking Bullets.
It’s hard to admit it now but I used to heart P. Diddy. I thought he was the coolest person in the world. I know. How lame was I? But it’s true and I’m all about admitting my faults. It’s easy when you don’t have a lot of them.
I loved myself some Diddy for many reasons.
First of all, I’m a sucker for an underdog makes good story and Diddy definitely started out as an underdog. Raised in a Harlem housing project by his mom because his dad, who apparently was pals with Frank Lucas, the famous NY drug lord who brought cocaine into the US via soldiers caskets and was portrayed by Denzel Washington in the bio pic, American Gangster, was shot and killed in his car outside a party. His mom kicked ass to do right by Diddy on her own, and she did a fine job sending him to Catholic school and then on to Howard University for college. Combs is only a year older than me and when he was at Howard so was one of my best friends. I never met him but I always imagined that if Pat Noel and I had run into Diddy, we would have instantly been friends.
So, anyhow, underdog Diddy, pulls himself out of poverty and becomes this super successful record producer and artist. An American dream come true. I loved it.
And then there was his close friendship with Biggie which I thought seemed legit, not like some of the fake friendships you see in Hollywood, and well, everywhere. Diddy and Biggie seemed to really care for one another. And in the whole East Coast/West Coast rap war, I’m from Maryland so as talented as Tupac was, I had to side with the East. Plus compared to Suge Knight, Diddy was a kitten. Big Red, the character based on Suge in The Five Heartbeats (which by the way is an awesome movie), still gives me nightmares. People with no conscious are the scariest people of all. And I am 100% sure that Biggie AND Tupac were either both killed by Suge Knight OR are living on an island together with Elvis. No doubt about it. But anyhow, sorry for the tangent, my point was that on the East, Diddy was a pretty big deal and I bought into his fabulousness as much if not more than anyone.
I cried when Diddy and Faith Evans (who by the way is a million times cooler than Lil Kim) and Sting sang “I’ll be missing you” at the 1997 VMA awards.
I thought Farnsworth (I refuse to call him Fonzworth) Bentley was cool when he was hanging around Diddy and dancing with his umbrella in the Outkast videos. I shook my tailfeathers with Diddy and Nelly and Murphy Lee. And I passed the Courvoisier to Diddy, Busta Rhymes and Pharrell. I thought the love between Diddy and J. Lo would last forever. Yes, Diddy cast a spell on the world and I had no problem falling under it but like most good things, it had to come to an end.
Slowly, the image I had of Diddy began to taint. He made up that lame slogan for the 2004 US presidential election, “Vote or Die”. What does that even mean? It was idiotic.
And then he took over “Making the Band” which just introduced the world to that nasty Aubrey O’Day from his failed band Danity Kane. Making skanky people like that famous was something none of us needed to be subjected to.
Then he was quoted at the Concert for Diana as saying that he felt a connection to Lady Di because she was royalty in her country just as he is royalty in his. Did I miss the part when someone crowned Diddy King of America?
And then finally, a friend of mine in NY told me a story about how he and Diddy worked out at the same gym and Diddy would troll the gym trying to get people to play pick up basketball with him and then cry when he got beat. Apparently none of the regular gym patrons wanted to play with him because he was such a sore loser. Image shattered.
So I wasn’t a fan anymore but I wasn’t embarrassed about my past love of Diddy. Until yesterday, when I learned that Diddy had an extravagant birthday party for his son, Justin, over the weekend that was filmed for MTV’s worst show ever, My Super Sweet Sixteen. A show that makes stars out of spoiled brats who yell at their parents and throw tantrums when the diamonds on their tiaras aren’t big enough. It makes Jersey Shore look worthy of PBS.
And what did young Justin get for his birthday besides a rocking televised party? A sports car called a Maybach that is apparently worth $360, 000! For a car. For a sixteen year old. Now, I am not one to tell people how to spend their money but there is a recession going on in this country right now. There are people without food or homes or jobs. Oh, and there’s also that little problem in Haiti. You know, where the whole county was demolished by an earthquake and no one knows how it’s ever going to be rebuilt? And while all this suffering is going on, Diddy is out there yelling “Look at me! I’m rich! I use money to wipe my ass!”. Unbelievable.
Like so many boys from my past, I can’t believe I ever gave that fool a second look.
I’m confused. That isn’t exactly world shattering news considering I spend most of my life in this frame of mind, but it’s what I’m confused about that has me worried. For as long as I can remember, I’ve only understood a few things…music, movies and television. I have a fair amount of knowledge on all three of these subjects. I’ve always thought that if I liked a certain song or show, chances are the rest of the world would agree with me. This has held true for most of my life.
When Cheers was the lowest rated show on television, I was already firmly on 
board. I gave up watching Magnum P.I., which I loved, because I thought Cheers was so hilarious. Within a few years, it was the number one show on TV. The first time I turned on American Idol, I heard Kelly Clarkson sing Aretha Franklin’s Respect, and I immediately knew she would win. It was so obvious. Watching the rest of those losers try to compete with her was a joke. It wasn’t a contest. In High School, I saw Jerry Seinfeld on Letterman and thought he was a riot. When I was in College, all of my friends and I went and saw him in concert. A few years later, Seinfeld debuted on NBC. I knew it was going to be huge. It took a few years, but it became the greatest show in television history. I can listen to almost any album and tell you what songs will be released to the public, and sometimes, the order. You would think this would be easy, but it isn’t. It’s not always the best song that gets released first. It’s the song that they think will offend
the least amount of people, or the song that will offend the most. See Taylor Swift’s Teardrops on My Guitar as an example of the former, and Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl as an example of the latter. This never fails. It’s usually the second song released that carries the most weight. Kings of Leon originally released Sex on Fire first, but it was Use Somebody that caught on with the record buying public. U2 made Beautiful Day it’s debut single of off All That You Can’t Leave Behind, but Walk On was the song off that album that held all the juice. It’s a formula, and I recognized this when I was around 12. But lately, my confidence in these areas has been taking some hits.
Lets start with Music. You know who was the biggest selling artist of the last 
decade? Eminem. This astounds me. Every song of his is about one of two things…his daughter, or how much better he is than everyone else. It’s a joke. I can’t believe he had two of the top 10 biggest selling albums of the last ten years. He also thinks he’s funny, which baffles me. His videos aren’t even close to clever, yet somehow people think he’s great. As far as I can tell, he’s about as funny as Kenan Thompson on Saturday Night Live. That’s not a compliment. A quick aside…How Kenan Thompson has kept his job at SNL is beyond me. If dressing up as woman, yelling every time you speak, not being able to keep a straight face because you are horrible and bugging your eyes out in all sketches is considered comedy, then I believe comedy is dead. I feel better that I got that off of my chest. Back to music. How on earth is that song Fireflies by Owl City getting any play at all? It sounds like a bad kids song. And with lyrics like:
Cause I’d get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
Who could say I’m wrong. That is without a doubt, some of the worst writing the 
world has ever seen. And it’s a huge hit! If Owl City had been around in 1981, I sincerely doubt you would have seen them on a double bill with The Clash. If Joe Strummer were alive, there’s a chance he’d kill that kid from Owl City. My popular meter is way off.
Lets talk movies. Like I said last week, I can’t bring myself to see Avatar, yet that film is now the number two grossing film of all time. All time! What am I missing? How can a movie I have absolutely no interest in be that popular? I was hoping it would go the way of Ishtar, or Heaven’s Gate and fail miserably. That didn’t happen. In the past, even if I didn’t like something, I could see how others might. Not in this case. I could understand if it were a kids movie, but adults are lapping this up. Why don’t I get this?
Maybe the most confusing medium to me is television. You know what the highest 
rated scripted show on television is right now? NCIS. Yes, you read that correctly. NCIS. This is a show that has been on the air for 7 years, and I haven’t watched it once. I couldn’t believe it was still on television and then I saw its ratings. Up until yesterday, I didn’t know one person that watched that show. They say it’s really good. I’ll have to take their word for it. I’m going to try this week to watch an episode and see why this is so popular. The problem is that it’s a CBS procedural drama. It can only be so good. Some of my favorites are The Office, 30 Rock, Community, and Parks and Recreation. None of these shows tear up the ratings. Community and Parks and Recreation are fighting to stay on the air. These shows are clever, have excellent writing and are well acted. They give comedy a good name and save the world from the evil and spectacularly un-funny forces of Dane Cook and Kenan Thompson. Say what you want about NBC, and they deserve every put down they get for hitching their wagon to a hack like Jay Leno, but they have some of the best shows on TV. Besides those four great shows, they also have 
Chuck and one of the best five shows of the last ten years, Friday Night Lights. In the past if I liked a show, it was surely to be a hit. Now a brilliant show like Friday Night Lights has to make deals with Direct TV just so they can air at some point during the year. Now that Leno’s 10pm show is gone, why do we have to be subjected to two nights of Dateline instead of Coach Taylor, Tim Riggins, and Matt Saracen? It makes no sense. It’s an amazing program, yet because my radar is broken, no one will ever know. I feel like a jinx.
I thought that not being able to see what America wants was a new phenomenon, but it has been going on for years. Everyone talks about how great The Sopranos 
was, including me, but it paled in comparison to The Wire. The Sopranos numbers were massive. The Wire barely stayed on the air. I don’t get it. I could seriously talk about The Wire for days on end. It was that good. The people who watched know exactly what I’m saying. I’m almost jealous of the people who haven’t seen it. They get the chance to rent the entire series and be blown away. Please do it. You’ll thank me.
When Arrested Development debuted, I went crazy. I couldn’t believe something this different and awesome made its way to the networks. And then they cancelled it. According to Jim stayed on the air for 7 years, but Arrested Development gets the hook in less than 3 seasons. I’ll never understand. I’m psyched they are going to make a movie. I’ll be there the first day.
Everything I thought I understood has turned out to be false. I thought I knew sports too, but this year all my favorite teams jumped in the toilet. Obviously, everything I’m doing is wrong. I don’t know where to turn next. I used to have my finger on the pulse, but now I’m completely out of touch with America. I want to go back to a time when I actually understood anything at all. And I mean anything. I’m rudderless. The fog needs to clear. If I Could Only See…
Jack Bauer is the most awesome man in Awesome Town
It’s good to know in this workaday world that there are some things you can always rely on. The sun will come up, the seasons will change, and Jack Bauer will start choking bitches every January.
Jack Bauer is a rock of humanity, a monolith of rightwing violence and retribution, a paragon of badassery unmatched in the modern American lexicon.
If I came across Jack Bauer in real life, I’m guessing I would A) be terrified of him and B) would think he belonged in jail. He has little care for human decency and has about as much respect for the Geneva Conventions as I do for Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts.
But fortunately for our JB, real life does not apply. It’s easy to watch 24 and think, I should know much more about Jack Bauer’s personal life,” – you know the typical, we watch Jack Bauer for what is supposed to be 24 hours at a time and we’ve never seen him eat, drink or go to the bathroom complaint. I fall into that trap from time to time myself. After all, I’ve spent seven seasons with him, hanging on every plot twist and act of craven brutality. And yet I know nothing.
During this week’s premier Jack paid a kid 100 bucks for information on a perp’s location. So I’m watching this with my brother and I ask “do you think he puts in to be reimbursed for that?” My brother informed me that it didn’t matter.
And if course he’s right.
Jack Bauer doesn’t worry about a hundred dollars. He doesn’t worry about petty cash or invoices or righting off bribes as a business expense. Jack Bauer is a force of nature, and forces of nature don’t have accountants.
Jack Bauer works as a character because he is wholly unrealistic. He defies bullets and gravity. He travels over huge landmasses in what appears to be minutes. He develops and destroys relationships in the span of hours (a note to all the single ladies – stay away from JB. His significant others have all been killed or driven crazy… that’s the kind of shit that wouldn’t show up in his eHarmony profiile) In a 24 hour period he kills more people than the pig flu.
But we love Jack because always does what’s right, which usually involves choking people. So far this season doing what’s right has involved killing three bad guys – one with a gun one, with an ax and one with a stairwell. But he does so in the name of peace, justice and the American way. Or at least the American Way as envisioned by the Fox Corporation.
Finally, I have a male role model who doesn’t get in trouble for bringing guns to work.
What a difference a week makes. Last week, Jay Leno and the idiots at NBC had me so mad that Bobby and I were practicing our collaborative Boo Hiss routine (I boo, he hisses) around the house on the off chance that we should ever see Leno on the street. The mess NBC has made of their weeknight schedule made me question our future together – me and TV. This was rough because we’ve been together a long time but TV was looking pretty bleak. Then something awesome happened Monday night and my faith was renewed.
It was almost 10pm and we were switching channels around. Something caught my eye so I stopped on MTV. Their 9pm program Teen Mom was just wrapping up. This show infuriates Bobby because he thinks that dumb teenagers might see the life of a teenage mother as somehow romantic and want to try it. He’s right. A lot of teenagers are super dumb and easily influenced by movies, television and their friends. Teen Mom may look like a cautionary tale to actual adults but to kids it looks sort of sweet and nice to have someone who loves you unconditionally even if that person craps his pants and steals your freedom. Unstable, love starved teenagers don’t think rationally so putting this kind of programming in front of them is a recipe for disaster and nothing else.
MTV and their sister network VH1 are notoriously bad about setting a good example for kids. No one wants their child to grow up to be Snooki from Jersey Shore. I don’t even watch that show and I know that my little boys will end up with a cheese ball hooker like that over my dead body. Nobody wants their kids mimicking anyone on Frank the Entertainer’s Basement Affair. And For the Love of Ray J, no one even knows who Ray J is (okay, I do – he’s Brandy’s little brother who made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian and For the Love of Ray J, I wish I didn’t know that!).
I know a lot of people from New Jersey. Thank God, none of them are known as Snooki or The Situation
So anyhow, the MTV/VH1 programming these days is trashy to say the least (Heidi Fleiss on Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab gives me actual nightmares). But I had read about this new documentary series that was premiering and I wanted to give it a try. What a fantastic decision on my part. MTV’s The Buried Life may have saved my faith in television and in humanity in general. The show rocks.
The basic point of the show is that these four young guys make a list of 100 things they want to do before they die and then they head out across the country in a bus to do them all. Every time they check something off their list they meet a stranger, find out what’s on his list and help that person do one of the things he’d like to do before he dies. I love the show on many levels.
1 Question. 4 Guys. 100 Things to do before you die.
First off the guys on the show are in their early twenties, the perfect age to do something like this. You have no responsibilities yet. Why sell your soul to corporate life when you’re so young? This is the prime time to get in a bus and do crazy stuff with your friends (unless, of course, you’re a Teen Mom in which case the baby needs to be changed). I had lots of fun as a young person but I also had lots of drama and responsibility. I can’t imagine how awesome it would have been if I’d been able to chuck reality and get in a van with Fissy and Nancy and Anne and just drive around the country getting into all sorts of crazy hijinks. I LOVE crazy hiijinks! Amazing. I envy these guys.
And I admire them because they’re not just doing it for themselves; they’re doing it for other people. To have that kind of social consciousness at twenty is rare. In the premiere episode they sneak into a party at the playboy mention (their goal) and they help a teacher they meet get a new computer for his 5th grade classroom at an LA charter school (stranger’s goal). The meeting is obviously staged but that doesn’t take away from the end result – they helped this man with a lofty goal and they brought attention to schools in need and to the need for people to care about one another. I’d kill for an opportunity to do stuff like that. Have fun, be young AND make a difference. Pretty heavy stuff for an MTV show these days.
I also love the idea of having a list. I never saw The Bucket List because I knew how that was going to end but I did really like that song Tim McGraw sang called Live like You Were Dying. In the song McGraw, who is fast becoming my favorite singer turned actor, recounts the story of a forty-something man who thinks he’s going to die so he “went sky diving, he went rocky mountain climbing, he went two point seven seconds on a bull named Foo Man Chu” . I’m sure many people think the song is cliché and are gagging on their syrupy sweet vomit right now but it gets me every time because when it comes down to it, I think he’s right. We’d all benefit from the chance to “live like we were dying”.
Unfortunately, most people never slow down enough or take stock in their lives to see what’s important and live without regret. But these four young guys, Ben, Dave, Duncan, and Jonnie, seem to get something that lots of much older people miss. They live life to the fullest in a way that is completely unselfish. They are what I want more boys to grow up to be like.
So Bravo MTV. You may have actually redeemed yourself. Now if LOST can hold up to the hype next week, me and TV might actually make it after all.
Sometimes, you’re just out of ideas. I had been thinking all week about what to write, and nothing was coming. Nothing good at least. There was one idea, but I 
didn’t want to do it. It required me seeing the movie Avatar. The problem there is that I really don’t want to see Avatar. It looks so stupid. I hated the trailer. The acting seemed horrible. Nothing about it intrigues me at all. I may have touched on this before, but I hate science fiction. Outside of puppet shows, I believe science fiction is the goofiest form of entertainment in the world. I know this thinking isn’t popular, but I don’t care. It needs to be said.
When I was in High School, Return of the Jedi was released. People were very excited. I could of have cared less. Sure, I saw it, but like all the rest of that 
franchise, I thought it was ridiculous. That same year, I was way more excited for the release of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I had a much easier time relating to Brad Hamilton, Spicoli, and Damone than I did with a whiny little Jedi like Luke Skywalker. And I was correct in my thinking. I have never watched Return of the Jedi again, yet I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen Fast Times.
Now I know there are people out there that can enjoy both types of films. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. That’s why seeing Avatar would make a good blog. I’m predisposed to hate it. When I got to the ticket window, I couldn’t go through with it. Did I really want to waste close to three hours on special effects and CG? I bought a ticket for Youth in Revolt.
Now, I didn’t really want to see Youth in Revolt either, but it was a better alternative. You see, earlier in the day, I watched the new show on TNT called Men
of a Certain Age. It’s not a bad show. It has its funny moments, but it’s very close to real life. It deals with your life not turning out how you planned. Changes at mid life that you never saw coming. Big themed stuff that everyone goes through. Usually, that’s the kind of thing I like the best. The problem with this show is that it hits a little too close to home. I’m not as old as these guys, but I’m not far off. They get themselves in situations that are cringe inducing, but realistic. You know how on The Office, Michael Scott does things that make you uncomfortable, but you know you would never act that way? You could see yourself getting into some of the Men of a Certain Age jams, and it’s not flattering. Glimpsing where my life may be heading wasn’t the way I wanted to start my day. So, I needed to get the soul searching out of my head, and seeing Michael Cera stumble his way through another movie in a quest to have sex seemed like the perfect antidote. And it was…kind of. There is no relating to his character in this movie. I mean all guys, save a few, have had trouble with women at some point in their lives. But, the lengths to which he goes to sleep with this girl are almost as ridiculous as Jabba the Hut. I’m no Johnny Depp, but even I know blowing up your hometown to get a girls attention isn’t the smoothest move in the book. There are a lot easier ways. I’m having trouble remembering them, but I know they exist.
So, yes, it took my mind off the unfulfilled promise of my life, but it made me sad in another way. What has the world come to when I don’t thoroughly enjoy a High 
School Movie? Normally, they don’t even have to be good, and I still get a kick out of them. I can always find some redeeming value that made it worth seeing. I’m not saying it isn’t worth seeing, but don’t go thinking its Superbad. And definitely don’t go if you’ve just taken stock of your life in some way and are looking for a lighthearted escape. Any High School comedy that portrays a trashy mom letting her boyfriend beat her child with a belt, and it’s played for laughs, isn’t exactly Sixteen Candles. I won’t be watching this film again.
Now the question begs, should I have seen Avatar? I think we know the answer…NO! Sitting in a theater with those foolish 3D glasses on would have made me really feel badly about myself. I’ve come to terms with most aspects of my life, but I’m too old to jump on the Nerd Wagon. I’m never going to think special effects and CG are cool. I’m glad they are there, but I’ll take story over them every time. I’ve given Science Fiction all kinds of chances, but it always fails me. I believe George Lucas owes me cash for those stupid prequels to Star Wars. I think Transformers was a dumb toy and a horrendously bad film. I never saw the second one. I wish that I had taken one of those pills in Laurence Fishburnes hand so that I wouldn’t remember seeing The Matrix. I boycotted the sequels. I did like the first Lord of the Rings, but thought the sequels were two of the worst movies ever made.
Science Fiction and I are never going to be friends. We’re different species. I won’t give up on High School Movies yet. Just because the last few haven’t been up to par, is no reason to panic. It’s probably the films, and not me. I’ll keep going and hopefully they’ll redeem themselves. As for Avatar, I think I’ll just let the rest of the world see it and have them tell me about it. Then again, if I don’t have anything to write about next week, I’ll be the first in line. Sometimes you have to make your own material. Hey, don’t judge! You’d do the same thing.
