Touch of Gay

My wife has heard me call enough things gay that she understands the “gay things for straight men” concept.  You know, things invented for women that some guys actually like.  What she didn’t know about were the levels.  The convo went something like this:

MS. BUTCHER: My friend Jason is doing a poetry reading on Saturday at Bus Boys and Poets.

ME: Gay.

M.B.: Bus Boys and Poets?

ME: No.  Poetry readings.  Way gay.

M.B.: The readings are?  What about the poetry itself?

ME: Not as gay.  Still gay, though.

M.B.: So, there’s different degrees of gay?

ME: Big time.

M.B.: So, poetry, kinda gay.  Poetry readings, way gay.  What about poets?

ME: Oh, the gayest.

M.B.: Um hmm.

ME: What are you gonna do?  It’s a science, you know?

M.B.: You’re gay.

So, broken down into the five degrees of gay, here are things that straight guys should have no business showing interest in.

Category One: Iffy

Jorts

Cutoff Jeans // The CW // David Alan Grier // Third Base (on a girl) // Godfather III // Jason Mraz // Kevin Bacon in Frost/Nixon // Michael Cera // Nick’s Facial Hair on Family Ties // Nothing w/ Clint Eastwood except Bridges of Madison County // Robert Fagot // The Color Purple (the actual color, not the book, play, or movie) // T-Shirts with Colored Rings on the Collar and Sleeve Cuffs // Viggo Mortenson // Will Smith’s Rap Career //

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Category Two: Bi-Curious

A Mermaid in Your Martini Glass Sends a Clear Message: "I'm Straight."

Ace of Base // Aly McBeal // Bumper Stickers // Chain Emails // Croc Shoes (kid-gay) // David Gray // Eating Bananas // Fwd Personal Emails // The Google Phone// Hippies // Hot Tubs // iPod Touch // John Cusack Movies // Lean Cuisine // Martinis // Michael’s Crafts // Murphy Brown // Nostalgia for Things Before the Age of Ten // Par // Peace Corps // Pumping Iron with Ahhhnold // Real World (back then) // Renting Porn // SoapNet // Toyota Prius // Tyler Perry //

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Category Three: Everyone But You Knows You’re Gay

More Like, "Gay's Anatomy"

500 Days of Summer // AC Moore Crafts // American Idol // Burning Man // Best Worst Things // Cell Phone Cases // Cycling // Dancing // Disney Radio on Sirius-XM (kid-gay) // Dressing Up for Halloween // Fantasy Anything Other than Football // Frat Boys // Grey’s Anatomy // Hawaiian Shirts // High Fives // Husband and Wife Linking to Each Other’s Blogs // I’m a Mac and I’m a PC ads // I Love You, Man // Magicians // Mike McDonald // Mini Cooper // The NFL Pro Bowl // Ozzie Smith Flipping on the Field During Player Introductions // The Part on the Wonder Years where Kevin Explains the Lesson He Learned // Project Runway // Red Wine // Returning Porn You Rented // Shirts w/ Snaps // Twitter // Typing “Ahhhnold” Instead of “Arnold Schwarzenegger” //

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Category Four: I Don’t Advertise it, But I Ain’t Hiding it Either

Summer of... '69

Art // Birkenstocks // Bravo // Bryan Adams // Coldplay // Crotch Rockets (both the name, and the bikes) // Dancing With the Stars // Diablo Cody // Earrings // Egg Nog // Flip Flops that Have the Word “Thong” in Them // Following the Careers of American Idol Contestants After the Season Ends // Gatorade Commercials with the Florescent Sweat // The Guy who Plays Brendan Filone on “The Sopranos” // Hair Product // Heath Ledger’s Cult Following // Joint Email Addresses, FB Accounts, etc. w/ Your GF or Wife // Kaye Jewelers Commercials // Mazda Miata // The Nickname “Dick” // Nivea for Men // Parfait // People, US, Entertainment Weekly, etc //  R&B Music // Rollerblading // Roller-skate-sneaker combo (kid-gay) // Singing // Speedos // Terry McMillan // Toy Kitchens (kid-gay) // Tribal Tattoos (on white people) // Two Dudes, One Chick // Vegetarians // White Wine // WWE //

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Category Five: All Out, Rest-Stop-Bathhouse, On-Fire Gay

OMG! These Will Go Great w/ My Pink Hoodie!!

The Songs “Boys of Summer” and “The Boys are Back in Town” // Crocs on Adults // Dave Matthews // Eating Sausage // France // Frappuccinos // Hemp // Lilith Fair // Locker Rooms // Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson in Anything Together // Matthew McConaughey Alone in Anything but “Dazed and Confused” (definitely in “Boys on the Side” and a movie called “Tiptoes”) // People Who Search “Jamie Lee Curtis, Hermaphrodite” on WordPress // Pre-Ripped Jeans // Real World (now) // Revolutionary Road // Sade // Saying “BFF” // Sex and the City // The Teacher/Student Relationship in the Karate Kid // Twilight // Two Dudes, One Chick, and the Two Dudes High-Five // Volkswagen Beetle // Zima //