Happy Birthday, Bullitt!
Hollywood great Steve McQueen would have been eighty today had he not died thirty years ago. Steve McQueen was a cool dude. And one that I feel a kin to because his nickname, like my son’s, was Mac, and he seemed to be able to kick anyone’s ass even though he stood at a mere 5”9’; sort of like my dad, who by the way would kill to be 5”9’. Also I am allergic to animals and find them kind of stinky so I’ve gotta love a man who was quoted as saying “When a horse learns to buy martinis, I’ll learn to like horses”. Amen, to that.
So today we celebrate the birthday of the King of Cool. A day he shares with some less cool celebrities. There is nothing worse than having your birthday soiled by sharing it with people who suck. Trust me, I know first hand. I wish someone cool like McQueen was born on my birthday. Instead I share it with Gypsy Rose Lee (the actual stripper, not Natalie Wood), Joe Pesci, and a real life suckafool who I won’t be so rude as to mention here. So Steve, in honor of your birthday, let’s take a moment to bust on the other losers who were born today so we can be sure you continue to reign supreme even from the afterlife.
Al Reynolds AND Star Jones – They share a birthday and the marriage didn’t last? How could that be? Oh, right, he’s gay and she’s a crazy person. Those kinds of relationships never work out.
Louie Anderson – I’m sorry, he just seems like a dick. He’s not funny and I get the feeling he’s mean in real life. Maybe, I’m wrong and he’s just swell and I’m the mean one but I usually have pretty good instincts on these kinds of things so let’s just call him an ass and move on.
Donna Pescow – She played the pathetic Annette who kept trying to get with John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and then she played the title role in the 1979 sitcom Angie about a waitress who married millionaire Robert Hayes. She seems like a nice enough person but she’s no McQueen. She should have been born with other lesser knowns on the 23rd or the 25th.
Kelly LeBrock – Sure, her body was amazing but her face was weird and she was dumb enough to marry Steven Segal. Boo!
Lake Bell – Casting directors seem to think she’s sexy. I think she looks like a man.
Lara Flynn Boyle – I kind of love her because, like most of my family, she’s Irish and crazy, but she’s no McQueen. More like McQueen’s nutso cousin who shows up at family reunions with men like Jack Nicholson and David Spade. You know what? I do love her and I bet McQueen would have, too. Stay crazy, Flynn Boyle!
Lark Voorhies – Two words for you: Lisa Turtle. She almost deserves this day just for putting up with Screech all those years.
Matthew Peck – Never heard of him? Your loss. He’s my 4 year old’s little bud and he knows more about Bakugans than anyone on earth. McQueen would actually think this kid was cool and be honored to share a birthday with him. Have fun turning five, MP.
Megyn Price – She was on Grounded for Life with Donal Logue and now she’s on Rules of Engagement with David Spade and Seinfeld’s Putty. She always plays up her boobs. Bobby and I call her “Slutty Mom” because that’s how she’s usually typecast. She’s likable enough but a little too low rent to share a birthday with McQueen. Plus I hate people who don’t know how to spell their own names. It’s Megan or Meghan but not Megyn.
I’m sure there are others. There always are. The great ones never get to have their day all to themselves. And I guess who is great is relative. I mean, maybe some of you actually think Kelly LeBrock or Louie Anderson has given more to the world of entertainment than Steve McQueen did. I sort of want to punch you for thinking that, but to paraphrase the great Bobby Brown “it’s your perogative”. However, I am sure if you were stuck at the top of The Towering Inferno trying to decide whether or not to get on that outdoor glass elevator, you’d want Steve McQueen not Al Reynolds by your side. And that’s why anyone can call March 24th their birthday, but the day really belongs to only one man. Happy Birthday, Bullitt.